8. January 2005

Bittersüßes Gefängnis

Dies ist eine Art Zusammenfassung zu meinem Weiß Kreuz Fanfiktion Projekt „After Glühen“, einige Hintergrundinformationen zu Rosenkreuz und Este. Ich weise darauf hin dies ist meine Vision von der paranormalen Hölle. Wer ein besseres Gefühl und Verständnis haben möchte, rate ich an „Suspense“ die Hintergrundmusik von Weiß Kreuz Glühen, „4th“ von Gackt an zu hören.

Der Grund, dass „Suspense“ und „4th“ gewählt wurden, ist sehr einfach, es ist so gesagt die Soundtracks zu Rosenkreuz und Este geworden. Wenn ich es höre bekomme ich ein beklemmendes Gefühl, dass jemand – „Sie“ mich beobachten, meine Gedanken hören, angezogen von ihrer Selbstständigkeit oder um sie zu zerstören…

Rosenkreuz wurde nie wirklich erklärt was es ist, nur Gefühle und Geräusche wie von einer beschädigten Kassette. Das es einen großen Impakt auf die Leben von Brad Crawford, Schuldig, Nagi und Farfarello hatte, lässt sich nicht bezweifeln. Nur wie wurden sie beeinflusst? Wieder gibt es kaum Hintergrundinformationen und genau hier öffnet sich die Tür für Fandom. Alle die sich mit Weiß Kreuz nur etwas beschäftigt haben, werden sagen Rosenkreuz ist ein großes mysteriöses dubiöses Trainingszentrum für paranormal Begabte oder sie denken an das drei Agenten Team in „Glühen“ (Berger, Geisel, Lyla). Wie gesagt die offiziellen Hintergrundinformationen sind karger und diejenigen, die keinen Zugang haben zu den Dramen ist es nicht sehr hilfreich. Und selbst mit den CDs kriegt man nicht sehr viel, nur eins ist klar, jeder der dort ist, würde sein Leben geben um dort rauszukommen und es wird sie ein Leben lang verfolgen.

Für diejenigen, die einige Fanfiktion über Rosenkreuz gelesen haben, öffnet sich eine neue Welt. Der verschwommene Traum wird ein messerscharfer Alptraum der dein Herz langsam zusammendrückt und es bluten lässt.

Jeder Fan und Fanfiktionauthor hat sein eigenes Bild von Rosenkreuz. Canon, Fanon und die eigene Fantasie überschlagen sich und bewandern einen eigenen Weg. Doch alle Ideen gleichen sich in einem, Rosenkreuz – ist eine Schule, ein Forschungszentrum.

Erstmal definieren wir Este und Rosenkreuz, was ihre Positionen und Aufgaben angeht. Rosenkreuz ist nicht die Trainingsschule von Este, sondern eine selbstständige Einrichtung und sollte auch so gesehen werden, doch ob Este und Rosenkreuz im gleichen Moment entstanden ist unklar.

Seit die Menschheit existiert gibt es paranormale Erscheinungen, die man in allen möglichen Kulturen und Geschichtsperioden findet. An der Hand von neuen Untersuchungen kann man sagen das viele Wunder die durch Jesus Christus verrichtet wurden nichts anderes sind dann paranormale Manifestationen. Zum Beispiel das er über Wasser laufen konnte. Ein Begabter Psychokinetiker kann die Fähigkeiten der Levitation erlangen. Ein Aurareader oder Heiler können durch das Handauflegen die schwersten Verletzungen heilen und die Gabe der Prekognition und Retrospektion erlaubt es die Zukunft und Vergangenheit zu sehen.

Es gab immer schon Gruppen die von diesen Manifestationen fasziniert waren, sie studierten um selber diese Gaben zu besitzen. Doch das Wissen, dass erlangt wurde war in manchen Zeiten der Geschichte eine Gefahr für die Religion und die Menschheit war noch nicht bereit dafür. Um dieses Wissen zu schützen und für die Generationen die kommen sollten zu bewahren, entstanden geheime Gruppierungen, meist von denselben Heiligen die es Ketzerei nannten. Wenn man einmal an der Macht ist, möchte man es auch behalten.

Este erkannte, schwarze Magie ist Realität, das menschliche Potential ist unerschöpflich, die menschliche Psyche ist formbar elastisch wie ein Gummiband und Wissenschaft konnte mit der richtigen Motivation ohne jegliche Moral durchgeführt werden. Einzeln sind die Themen interessant, aber nicht hilfreich. Zusammen jedoch sind es effektive und mächtige Waffen, die eine neue stärkere Macht erschaffen. Eine Macht die Sterblichkeit, Moral, Ängste und Gnade zur Seite schiebt. Freier Wille und Individualität sind Begriffe des Widerstands – Rebellionen. Sie formen eine Bedrohung, die unterdrückt werden muss.

Die Zeit verstrich, Este dachte sie würden eine glorreiche Zukunft vor sich haben und die Welt würde ihres sein bis sie etwas übersehen hatten: das Christentum. Am Anfang war es eine kleine Gruppierung die kaum eine Bedrohung darstellte bis sie alle Völker erreichte und die Menschen es bereitwillig annahmen. Was einst anfing als ein Weg zur Modernisierung wurde durch die Kirche in ein Machtsinstrument verwandelt, eine neue Möglichkeit zur Bereicherung und Kontrolle. Das Christentum toleriert keine anderen Wege/Religionen als die ihres Gottes. Este war gezwungen im Hintergrund zu bleiben, der Inquisition zu entgehen und auf den richtigen Zeitpunkt zu warten. Das Mittelalter, nenne ich auch „Verleugnung“, eine Zeit die Entdeckungen jeglicher Wissenschaften der vorige Jahrhunderte völlig ignorierte, aus Angst die Macht über das Volk zu verlieren. Alle Wissenschaften stellten die Existenz Gottes in Frage. Deshalb wurden Menschen dumm gehalten durch archaische Lebensweisen zu propagieren.

[Extra Information. Este wird auf verschiedene Weisen geschrieben. Die populärsten sind Esset/Esstet, SZ und auch SS. In meiner Geschichte ist es „Este“, wie der Imagesong von Brad Crawford. Crawford singt über die Organisation und in meiner Sicht werde ich „Este“ auch so schreiben. In meiner Weiß Kreuz Welt werden die Verbindung der SS des Zweiten Weltkriegs sehr offen besprochen werden, da die Atmosphäre der Geschichte sehr nah beieinander liegen. Es ist bewiesen der Naziregiem wäre nie so mächtig geworden ohne die Theorien einer Geheimen Gruppe die sich die Thulegemeinschaft nannte. Diese Gruppe war die Basis: beschäftigte sich mit Okkultismus, hat alten Ideologien ein neues Aussehen verpasst und langsam auf die Welt losgelassen. Die Idee, eine Gruppe von Auserwählten die die ganze Welt regieren sollten ist nicht neu und wird selbst noch heute erfolgreich eingesetzt. Alle die sich nicht oder kaum mit dem Dritten Reich befassen, wissen nicht das Hitler von der Thulegemeinschaft rekrutiert wurde. Die Organisation sah ein das es Zeit war die Macht zu ergreifen, doch sie brauchten jemanden den sie nach belieben Formen konnten und der einen unerschöpflichen Hunger nach Wissen hatte. Die Thulegemeinschaft hat es in dem verkannten Mahler aus Österreich gefunden, der später Hitler wurde. Diese Gemeinschaft könnte auch genau so gut den Namen Este tragen dessen einige Führer versucht hatten auf direktem Wege Macht an sich zu reisen. Aber derjenige, der aus dem Schatten tritt, seine Ideologie vorstellt, wird verwundbar und der Untergang nimmt seinen lauf. Und diejenigen, die Este nicht entblößten wurden mächtiger.]

Die Periode des Krieges brachte Este die Vorteile die es sich seit langem wünschte. Im Angesicht des Chaos konnte die Organisation die von der Kirche jahrhundertlange versteckte Informationen mühelos stehlen, Experimente konnten frei durchgeführt und Theorien konnten perfektioniert werden. Jede Religion und militärische Organisation weiß; mit richtigem Training, Psychologie, Disziplin, Kontrolle und programmierten Schuldgefühlen wird jeder normaler Mensch zu einem willigen Werkzeug ohne jegliche Skrupel.

Ein militärisches Experiment in den 60ger Jahren, auch bekannt als das „Pretender Project“ in den USA, führte Untersuchungen an hochbegabten Kindern durch. Mit spezialem Training wurden sie zu so genannten „Chamäleons“ aufgebildet. Sie konnten in verschiedene berufliche Rollen schlüpfen und sie überzeugend spielen. Diese Idee wurde auch unter anderem für die Fernseherserie „The Pretender“ benutzt.

Ein anderes Beispiel für Untersuchungen von paranormalen Fähigkeiten war das „Stargate Project“. (Ich rede NICHT von der Fernseherserie!). Dieses Projekt wurde von Amerikanern in den 70ger -und 80ger Jahre durchgeführt. Sie versuchten ihren Geheimagenten Telepathie an zu lehren damit Agenten miteinander auf großer Distanz sicher kommunizieren konnten.

Ein fragwürdiger und bekanntester psychologischer Test war das „Stanford Experiment“ wo Studenten in Gruppen von „Gefangenen“ und „Wächtern“ eingeteilt wurden. Das Experiment musste abgebrochen werden, die Studenten waren vollkommen von ihren Rollen überzeugt, dass sie die „Gefangenen“ geistlich und körperlich misshandelten.

Wenn man in einer Welt eingeschlossen ist, wo jegliche Möglichkeit zur Selbstbestimmung fehlt, wird der Mensch eine Puppe und der Puppenspieler bestimmt welche Identität und Gefühle seine Spielzeuge annehmen werden.

Denn eine Kreatur ohne eigenen Willen, ohne eigene Gefühle und Wünsche ist doch nur eine lehre Hülle. Ein biologischer Roboter der programmiert werden muss. Das ist das Ziel von Este und Rosenkreuz. Ein Soldat ohne Moral und Gefühle ausgestattet mit paranormalen Kräften und hohe Offiziere Este ewig treu sein werden.


Ok, a quickly written essay about Lucifer and other fallen angels. Oh, and it should be mentioned some things can be confusing. I'm too lazy to check it.

Here's the link, where I got my inspiration: Mythology on Demons in Judaism and Christianity --> The Demons in this case are the "Fallen" Angels, also called Watchers/Nephilim (Naphidim)

Well, personally if I had to choose between god and the fallen angels,hmmm, I'm going along with the Nephilim. Why? Well, look at their so called 'Misdeeds'. (Ok, the first three Yeqon, Asbel and Gaderel are not my favourites. But Pinem'e and Kasadya did a few necessary things. You have to know 'evil' in order to understand 'good'.)

I understand the information as this: Let's take a computer for a moment. When you buy it, it has only the necessary programs installed in order to fulfil the necessary tasks.

Now, take the human being. What if the human was a biological computer walking on earth with the only necessary programs: eat, sleep, and reproduce. He fulfilled the necessary tasks to survive, but he had no other software. The human brain was waiting to get its "programs" installed.

Names and Misdeeds of the Watchers Names and Misdeeds of the Fallen Angels (aka the Five Satan’s) in 1 Enoch 69:4-12. (1 Enoch gives other lists of the names of the fallen angels as well.) This passage is odd because it mentions angels that are not mentioned elsewhere.

Yeqon - "one who misled all the children of the angels, brought them down upon the earth, and perverted them by the daughters of the people" Asb'el - "one who gave the children of the holy angels an evil counsel and misled them so that they would defile their bodies by the daughters of the people" Gader'el - "he who showed the children of the people all the blows of death, who misled Eve, who showed the children of the people (how to make) the instruments of death (such as) the shield, the breastplate, and the sword for warfare, and all (the other) instruments of death to the children of the people" Pinem'e - "demonstrated to the children of the people the bitter and the sweet and revealed to them all the secrets of their wisdom. Furthermore he caused the people to penetrate (the secret of) writing and (the use of) ink and paper" Kasadya - "he who revealed to the children of the people (the various) flagellations of all evil - (the flagellation) of the souls and the demons, the smashing of the embryo in the womb so that it may be crushed, the flagellation of the soul, snake bites, sunstrokes, the son of the serpent, whose name is Taba'ta"

Ok, now we turn to the legends of Adam and Eva. God said they can eat from each tree in the gardens of Eden, but they shouldn't touch one particular tree. This is only a nice sweet story to make one point clear: god had no intention to teach his 'creation' more.

Let's turn to Lucifer, he rebelled against god and other angels followed him. Let's say he was not pleased that humans walked around as idiots on earth. The fallen angels gave us what we needed, the necessary software, but some humans where not ready for it (they used it to gain more power) and wars occurred. (I know it's very simplistic, what I am saying, but I'm just doing this to make my point clear).

It is said god punished the angels for their 'misdeeds'. It is said in the bible. Alright, but think of this: angels where also god's creation and powerful as he is. How is this possible that he 'punished' them? Tell me first how you define the word 'punishment'? And everyone has a different interpretation on punishment. God send his angels to earth. I don't see this as punishment.

[A side note: the bible was many times rewritten and it is known that every writer likes to put his own views and fantasies in books. The bible is not a trustworthy book, because many different people wrote it and it was rewritten many many times.]

Back to the 'punishment'.

In this part, 4 archangels are send to 'punish' the Fallen ones. That's a strange way to send other angels to punish one of their own. What? God didn't want to make his hands dirty or something? Or he didn't punish them all (well, not in the way humans may think)? I don't believe this 'punishment' part. The reasons are pointed out above in the 'side note'. When someone does something wrong he/she must be punished. This is the way humans think. But angels are NOT HUMANS. Why should they need to be punished?

The Angels then taught women charms, enchantments, the cutting of roots, and the knowledge of plants. They taught men how to make various weapons and armour, and also arts and sciences. These acts led to an increase in lawlessness and warfare. The men of earth then cried out to heaven, and the 4 archangels (Michael, Uriel, Raphael, and Gabriel) cried out to God. In response, God sent Uriel to warn Noah that there would soon be a flood that would destroy the wickedness on earth.

Raphael was commanded to bind Azazel hand and foot, and to cast him into a hole in the desert (Duda'el) that the Lord had made. Raphael threw rugged and sharp rocks and covered Azazel's face so that he would not see light. Michael was commanded to bound Semyaza and his associates in the valleys of the earth. They will remain there until the Day of Judgment when he will be cast into the fire.

My opinion is they were not 'punished'. This punishment part of binding hands and feet and cast into a hole in a desert, sharp rock covering Azazel's face, and binding Semyaza in the valleys of the earth is all nice made up fairytales by the writers. Why? Well, if this is truly written by people, I wonder from where they know that. a) it is not likely that the 'angels' took some stupid human witnesses to see this. b) the theory of an angel appearing before a human and 'whisper' it into his ear could work. But how should the 'angel' tell the stupid human being what really was behind this incident? Humans think only in 'right' and 'wrong' and if someone did something 'wrong' he/she MUST be punished.

"The fallen angels went against god, they had other plans with humans. This makes them enemies of god. They must be punished." This is the way how humans think. It is wise to tell them it is like this.

My idea of their punishment is this: The angels where send to earth to do whatever they wanted, just to leave their former leader alone. Now, what would 'angels'intelligent and powerful beings do on earth? I think they weren't leaning back in their couch and watched what humans were/are doing (it's just a way of saying). What if they see our little earth as a playground or chessboard and humans are the chess pieces? Could it be just a little game between god and the Nephilim to show who was right? The Nephilim could think that giving human’s knowledge was right and god was wrong to leave them as brainless things walking on earth.

Another thing I want to note about the 'Giants' (produced by the union of women with angels). It is said angels have no physical appearance like humans. They are made of pure energy that can produce (an illusion) an appearance of a human being, but they don't have a physical body. Now, tell me how they could have sex with a human and produce something?(and I don't want to hear about Maria being pregnant. It is just impossible and if it is your opinion that it is possible then give me a very good explanation. And I MEAN a very good and logical one.) Is it possible from a being consisting of pure energy to get a physical body? I have my doubts here.

Back to the Giants. Ok, let's believe the angels had something with humans. 'Giant' means according to my Oxford dictionary:

• noun 1) an imaginary or mythical being of human form but superhuman size. 2) an abnormally tall or large person, animal, or plant.

From Greek gigas.

Everything that is written in the bible is very symbolical and every meaning is hidden.

A giant doesn't have to mean it is a being of big size. Another meaning could be a being of great power equal to an angel or god. Now, isn't that dangerous? Take this, the earth is full of such mighty beings that can be easily influenced because for a part they are human. Isn't that dangerous for god if this power was running free and decided to start a battle.

Hm, a conclusion? Not really, I would say don't trust old books that are written by different books and different timeperiods. There is nothing holy about it.


First: Personal Level C review - Plot what plot? Ohh ja the sex XD-
My fallow friend Rez-chan, well, the biggest yaoi fangirl I know gave me yesterday her Level C cd. Yeah, one of those yaoi OVA's telling me it was good and with a story. Heh, I have to remind myself the next time before I lend one of her cd's, I NEED to chek some reviews ^_^;. Because we have a very differend few on what a good plot is, lol.

A very short OVA evolving now Honjo Kazuomi, a salaryman with a tendency to move from one realtionship to another without a care. He meets the 18-year old fashion model Mizuki, whose looks of your uber uke, with big eyes (Damn, he reminded me of Sailor Moon. They meet somewhere in the street and Mizuki doesn't mind to take the guy to his flat. The both declare their love after...what 10 minutes? And the rest of the show is just filled with rather explicit sexscenes (yeah, more than in Ai no Kusabi).

For those who are actually only interested in hot sex the guys have and you don't mind screaming, moaning, enjoying uke's, well this is your show. Technical aspects of the show are all done passably well. For the erotic scenes there is a very bad sort of soft-porn background soundtrack used, and the closing song is nothing interesting as the show itself. If there had been a decent plot evolving around the two guys, it would have been more interesting to watch.
All in all, it was boring -_-.

Second: Finished Projects for school
Finally finished my KGB History Project. I'm so glad it's over. No more KGB stuff. Everything is so damn secret, the more I looked for information everywhere the more I got confused. Everywhere I go is hidden in shadows.

Tell you what never, never start a project about such a mysterious and hidden organisation. It's worth trying but damn hard. I read 10 differend books (2 in German, 4 in Dutch and 4 in English), looked up 25 differend websites ( 23 of them were Russian -_-. All very usefull but so difficult to read. The webmasters used academic Russian -_-. So hard to understand.) and of course used my dad's enormous knowledge. *glomps her dad* Ohhh, thank you so much!!!!!!!!

Then I gave my kick ass Ku Klux Klan Elocution on Friday. Bekaert was so glad and pleased with my preparation. I generally suck in French and it cost me so much time and energy, but it was worthwhile after all.

Third: Travel to Berlin, Germany Only 13 days to go and I'm leaving with my friends and two teachers to Berlin, woot!!!! While others will have to stay at school I'm going to have a great time.

Other Stuff:
I'm totaly obsessed with the anime Full Metal Alchemist. Damn, it kicks ass. I was getting disparate after I saw many other anime after Weiss Kreuz. Every other was just not the same or missed factors that where important for me. I'm on Episode 29 and downloading 30 already. Ohh, I love every piece of the show!!! However, it was so sad when Hughes was killed, he was one of my favourite characters and one that was always goffing around, though. The show is filled with so much anst, rawww we loves it. Don't forget funny characters are also important. At least I still have Roy Mustang, my lovely numero uno charakter. I hope he doesn't die too *pout*

Then I'm busy with Samurai Deeper Kyo. I hesitated in the beginning because it was about samurai's. Remembering Ruroni Kenshin, except the OVA the series majorly sucked. Kyo seems to be differend, so I'm going to watch the show further.
That's it for today.


Wednesday, January, 28, 2004


Hora, hora it's been a while ^_^. I feel like updating this blog. I'm not in the mood to hear more complaining from the others aka "Muh, I want my boyfriend", "Wow, I became so depended to be near him, bla bla", it's boring you know.

Righto, on to more happier things. I just finished mostly eerything for my essay of "The Picture of Dorian Gray". Gah, Elst like to give me detailed work, damn her. Shee, she wants to know why I like this part and that part from the book. Well, I just like it ja, ^_~. lol, should I anwer proparly like "I like the homosexual atmosphere in it!" XD. Haha, yeah that's a good answer *_*!!!

I'm totaly obsessed by a manga called "Black Cat" by Yabuki Kentaro. Mwa, Train is so cute *drools*


Sunday, January 11, 2004


Tada!!!! Changed my layout again. After Kyo it is a goth looking girl. She reminds me of the vampire Claudia from The Vampire Chronicles.

I finished reading The Queen of the Damned(Anne Rice). I started with Interview with the Vampire then watched the movie, after that saw QOTD (movie) and suddenly jumped toMerrick, the story is told by the vampire David Talbot which confused me very much. Remembering the QOTD movie, David was a nice attractive looking human obsessed with Marius, it made me wonder who played the Dark Gift on him. Well, in the movie Marius went to pay him a visit after Jesse and Lestat gave him Lestat diary and freaked him out. The sentence "Hello David" with Marius' sensual, playfull voice meant for me "Hello honey,I'm very hungry. Come her precious we'll play some naughty games right now."
Hehe, I may have a dirty fantasies but I'm right. Gee, his voice was so evil I coudn't let that mischivous smile on my lips fade away and Alex who watched the movie with me made a comment about my eyes sparkling and give away my yaoi fantasies >]. I can't help it, you know.
Anyway, it became a complete mystery why Lestat was in a Endimionlike sleep. He heared everything but his soul was in a fareaway place. What had happened to him? Why was he like that? I ignored it for a while and read further where my beatifull Louis appeared with his tormented soul. He was constantly thinking about his beloved Claudia. He wanted to see her one last time and ask her for forgiveness he coudn't protect her from the vampires who captured her and let her die in the morning sun. Through David he met Merrick.What a mistake. That bitch pulled a lovespell on the poor man which made David jealous. She helped Louis to see Claudia one last time, but it seemed it was a bad spirit resembling her. Well, after that Merrick and Louis spended a night in her house where Louis made her a vampire. It was an accidend because that slut controlled him with her spell, she literally and physically abused him!! Louis promissed David he woudn't hurt her or make her one of them, but he did. David found him the next morning laying burned in his coffin in the yard. Louis coudn't live with Davids hate and he was ashamed of himself for braking his promise. *sulks* Ohh, poor Louis >_<. In that moment Lestat wakes up to help his beloved Louis. Together with David and bitch Merrick they give their blood to revive Louis. It works, Louis came back and with a lot of power from Lestat's blood. In the last chapter Lestat says they'll have to fight the Talamasca. They are furious at them because they made Merrick a vampire just like Jesse.
I didn't like that book, accept where Lestat showed up asleep or awake and Louis. David is one of a sex obsessed old jerk. His flashbacks he and Aaron met Merrick were boring. I have never been so sad about a dying character, I almost cryed when Louis burned himself. If I coud have get in that story I surelly had tortured that bitch Merrick for using Louis like that.

So after that book I started with The Bodythief and understood Lestat made David. Meh, what a mistake. The story self is written by Lestat and his expercience in switching bodies with a human. But that human betrayed him and ran off with his body. Heh, Lestat knew that but still proceeded and I love him for that. His careless and arrogant character is thrilling and fascinating!!! I won't go to deep on the storyline, just find out for yourself wherever you are who's reading this. That book is one of the funniest but is quite good, It also introduces other writers like H.P.Lovecraft. I didn't read his books but heared they were good, so I should pick one up if I'll have some freetime.

The next one was Memnoch the Devil. My opinion one of the Anne's best works just like Interview with the Vampire, The Vampire Lestat and Queen of the Damned. The idea of the Devil himself needs Lestat's help to control Hell is fantastic and the Devil telling the making of the world and a God with a childlike mind is hilarious. Yet it was distracting and quite ridiculous of putting that stupid girl with her church and her plans of saving the world. But hey if I get more Lestat, Louis and Armand I don't mind. Gah, one thing above all, as much as I respect Anne Rice as one of the talented writers out there, I'll never forgive her for almost killing Armand!! I though he died! Thanks to my vampirelouis mailinglist they told me Armand survived the burning. Some said she didn't like Armand and wanted to kill him off, I don't know if the rumores are true. The fans were angry. Ha and with good reason.

I bought The Blackwood Farm almost a month ago, read 5 pages. This story is told by a Quinn, a Mayfair guy and vampire who has problems with his imaginary thing called Goblin. He writes a letter to Lestat asking for help. Grr, Mayfair, gah I tried to like them and I can't. Yes, yes I'll read it. But I need to read The Vampire Armand, Blood and Gold and the last book of VC: Blood Cantile. I saw it laying in a shop in Brugge.

I looked on Anne Rice's Official Site there a another two stories about the vampire Pandora and Vittorio. I know Pandora from QOTD. Ehhh, Vittorio seems interesting.

Then we have the The lives of the Mayfair witches, which I'll refuse to read. I coudn't stnd Merrick and her grandma. No way I'm going to read more.

And so ends this entry for today. Ahh, I must order The Vampire Lestat for my best friend. I promised her to give her a present. She is very interested in the VC, she can't bring herself to read the books and being a good friend I must introduce her to Lestat, Louis and Marius ^_~.

Goodnight world, dream dreams of your sexy brat prince.


Wednesday, January 7, 2004

I need to find my sleeping pattern again. During the winter holidays it was getting up at 7 am, sleeping at 1 am. I'm always so tired and is school started -_-.

'm going to work on Sundays in a fashionshop for old ladies XD. I liked it to work with the people in the summer. The custumors were nice and the staff. Sabrina and my boss are not old grannies, actually all the people working there are young. Most important things: I get money!!! I don't dare to look at my bankaccount, yeah, I have only 400 €. I need money if I want to buy stuff when I go to Berlin in april.

I went with my mom to a travelagency of my Bank, checking out the travel opportunities to Japan. God damnit! I want to visit that country and meet the friend I made threw e-mails. They had a few but the trevelling seasons were at October till January. College starts on October and in January start the exams o_O. I can't go in this period. Meh, maybe they can arrange something at the Eastern holidays. I will stalk them and cry rivers to get what I want *snikers*

Ja ja, a new year has begun and I finally have a resolution. I never had one, it will be interesting if I will fullfill it. I will try to do my best for school, really, I want at least 65 or 70 percent for every subject...ummm I hope to get 50 for French for my second exam *crosses fingers*. I suck in French. In December I got 40% *_*, this means I can get 50!!!!

And the last thing I'll talk about is my best friend. For some reason she's avoiding me more and more and I don't know why. I want to question her about that but can't get the curouge to do so. She is the only best friend I ever had, I don't want to lose that friendship otherwise I'll be all alone. I hate being alone. I'll ask her if she wants to go see ROTK with me and after the movie I'll ask her.

My life pattern did change I didn't realise it. I come home, eat or watch a bit of tv, go to my study room make my homework/tasks/learn my lessons, read a book then go sleeping and if I have some time left I sit in front of my computer and read other peoples journals or write in my own. Other than that I do nothing. I have my website and Fanfiction yet I neglet them. Since when did I become so boring? Maybe that's why LIz is avoinding me because I become boring.


Sunday, December 21

Jeez, mein erster Eintrag und hört sich schon so scheise an. Mein Leben das so schon ein langes Dreckloch ist, noch dreckiger wird. Tja ja, ich bin nicht eine Person die zufrieden ist mit was sie hat, aber das steht hier auch nicht zur Debatte. Ich finde es selber traurig um ein Journal zu haben von dem meine Freunde nichts wissen. Hmmmm...meine Freunde...so viele habe ich auch nicht. Ich sehe viele in meiner Schule, aber das ist auch alles. Die einzige mit der ich mal was unterneme ist Liz, aber die geht auch langsam von mir wegen ihrem Freund. Die meisten Freundschaften zerbrechen wenn ein Kerl dazwischen kommt. Sie kann nicht 1 Minute ohne ihn leben und als wir irgentwohin gehen, muss sie sms oder mit ihm telefonieren. Das kotzt mich an. Ausserdem reden wir kaum über etwas. Ich versuche über verschiedene Dinge zu plaudern aber sie scheint nicht zu wollen, gut wenn jemand nicht wil soll man ihn lassen. Wenn der Kerl mal nicht bei ihr ist nörgelt sie rum wie allein sie ist. Ha, was weiss sie den schon von Einsamkeit? Sie hatte immer ihre Freunde und Familie. Sie weiss nicht wie es ist von einer Stadt in die andere zu ziehen und in andere Länder. Man muss immer wieder von neuem Anfangen. Tage, Wochen ruft dich niemand an um zu Fragen ob man Lust hat etwas zu unternemen, alleine auf einer Bank sitzend die Menschen beobachtet wie sie lachend mir ihren Hunden und Freunden spazieren gehen, wenn deine Eltern nur arbeiten. Du siehst sie manchmal am Abend zum schlafen gehen. Sie schreien dich an warum du dies und das nicht gemacht hast obwohl du selbst von der Schule kommst. Sie einen faul nennen weil du mal nicht gelernt hasst. Ich sitzt da und schau aus dem Fenster wehrend der kalte weiße Schnee felt. Augen eine lehrheit tragen, ohne Gefühl vor sich hin starenn, Menschen schauen mich seltsam an, machen einen Bogen. Trage ich eine Krankheit vielleicht?

Es ist so alsob ich eine Last auf meinen Schultern trage die nicht abfallen wil. Wieso tun alle so scheinheilig? Sie können mich nicht austehen trozdem lachen sie mit ihren hinterlistigen Augen ins Gesicht.

Die einzige Rettung die mir bleibt sind Bücher, die grosse Welt des Wortes. Ich wil noch so viel lernen. Aber die Realität erdrückt mich. Wieso besitze ich nicht den Mut um es zu enden? Ich komme mir vor wie Louis de Point du Lac in den Vampire Chronicles von Anne Rice. Ich möchte nicht allein sein, aber das bin ich. Verkrichend hinter Büchern und einer Maske Lebe ich hier weiter.

Ich möchte aufgeben. Wo ist der dunkele kalte Teich der Dunkelheit, bitte verschlinge mich. Bring mich von hier weg auf das ich ewig ruhen kann. In den letzten 2 Jahren ist es so Dunkel und Kalt geworden. Wieso?


Go me!! I'm Lestat, yay!!


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